I have been relatively consistent in attending classes here at Ocean Sky Chan Monastery (OSCM), but I discovered that I am not a diligent student. I have not been practicing meditation at all (except during classes), not done extra reading, nor attended half-day retreats or any other ceremonies, nor have I formally volunteered in any activity here.
My standard reason is that I have no extra time. In my experience, I should have been a dropout by this time. Yet, week after week I look forward to Saturday, 10:00 a.m. to 12:00 noon. Then, I would sit enthralled at Abbess’ Dharma talks about compassion without the passion, vegetarianism, compassion contemplation where one wishes one’s enemies good fortune, and attaining samatha and vipassana.
When Lally, my friend, was sidelined as coordinator this semester, I had no choice but to fill in her shoes. I’m sure I made hilarious mistakes as my focus was now divided between listening and concentrating on Abbess’ words and fumbling with the hand bell and the protocols. But time has a way of easing up these difficulties.
I am confused. More than half of my life has been spent on advocacies. While I think that is the bodhisattva nature in me, my limited knowledge of Buddhist teachings has spawned questions like can advocacies and Buddhism go along together? Underneath all the questions is the fact that I have held for the longest time a different worldview which has shaped my life radically. This worldview has similar observations of phenomena with the teachings of Buddhism, yet both come up with diametrically opposing conclusions!
So, I think these are the reasons on what’s holding me back to fully embrace Buddha’s teachings. But I am only a beginner here, not even a year into studying Buddhism. This reflection on my experiences here helped me see where I am now and how to proceed from there. This means I am really practicing meditation. I want to pursue studying here and at the same time cultivate my Buddha Nature and become a member of this community. Amitofo!