It’s my first time attending Zen 7 retreat in this spring. When first told about the meditation retreat, I wasn’t anxious about keeping the silent vow. I’ve always found that easy; in fact, often, I’d rather be just like that. During the retreat, there’s a proscription on mobile phones, alarm clocks, reading, and writing. Waking time is to be devoted for meditation and mindfulness.

On our first day, the Abbot asked us to allow ourselves the full experience of the retreat—to forget the world and all worries in the next seven days. Our main task is to sit, and hopefully discover the mind’s true nature.

The first two nights, I found myself still wide awake after lights out. I could already hear my roommate snoring on their futon, but I’m kept up by my chattering mind, and wondering about things other than the present, worrying whether I could wake up on time, and distracted by itchy insect bites.

The time we spend outside the Chan hall—that is, time not spent for sitting or walking meditation, are punctuated by hanging bell or the wooden board, to indicate time—to retire, to wake up, or to announce the next incense session. A discovery that surprised me was my penchant for knowing the time; how that, in turn, would prescribe what other things which I thought I ought to be doing—time to go, time to wake up, or time for bed, time for this, or that. On my fourth day, I got into the routine comfortably. I got up, on my own, without having to wait for the wake up call. Between incense sticks, when we could rest or take a nap, I would find a quiet corner and meditate by myself, then head back early to the Chan Hall to meditate more.

The meditation time during morning and evening services are dear for me. This is the time when the monastery is still and quiet. In that quiet Chan hall, amidst the beautiful mountains of Puli, and with a comfortable early-spring breeze, we all sit cross-legged. There are moments when I thought I can manage my mind. I then tell myself to let go, and just breathe.

With around 1,800 participants, and over 300 people in the same hall I was assigned to, you’d be surprised by the hush, as everyone sits placidly.

When I left Manila, the Shifus bid us with “Have a good stick of incense”, which I thought was just a reminder for us to have a positive retreat experience, not any different from “Bon Jour”. The monastery’s Abbot, the Venerable Master Jiandeng, also said the same when we started the retreat. I was itching to ask him how that is determined—“What are the metrics?” I thought—but missed the chance to ask it during our tea with him.

Now though, I think I have an idea. A good stick of incense is when your mind is still, and you are aware of where you are; your back is complaining—and you shut it out; your knee is hurting—and you quiet the thought; and your leg is numb, and you just acknowledge it, and continue sitting still; when you nudge your wandering thoughts to stillness, but still acknowledge them when they monkey about. Ding! The hand bell is struck to remind you it’s time to come out of sitting meditation. Forty minutes has gone, and you thought it was just five.

A few friends may wonder: what’s the point of meditation? I used to say that it helps to calm my mind, and it still does. Now, I’ll probably just say “it’s just is.” That is, meditation helps me realize that the only purpose in life is to fully live in the “now.”

There is no past, and no future. They are mere abstracts derived, or inferred from the immediate moment. A “good stick of incense” is not 60 minutes long. It’s an infinite now—but only until your next thought. Sometimes, we travel far to seek home, when we’ve been in the home of our true nature all along.

Sorry, this entry is only available in 中文.

《佛說四十二章經》云：「人有二十難。」自從踏入海天禪寺，特別感受到了這十難：「得覩佛經難、見好不求難、被辱不瞋難、觸事無心難、廣學博究難、除滅我慢難、心行平等難、不說是非難、會善知識難、覩境不動難。」深刻體會到以上這幾條修行的困難。

回憶十四年前，我初次走進海天禪寺，當年父親剛往生，心情不好，到處尋求解決的辦法要把心安定下來。有一天，突然看到報紙在推廣海天禪寺的禪修班，那時，我馬上知道——這就是我所需要的。而當時我什麼都不懂；不懂什麼是佛、法、僧，不懂恭敬心、感恩心，更不懂因果。我還有一些恐懼，不敢晚上開車，不敢講中文，怕講不好，有種自卑感等等。

因為中文太差，當時只敢選擇上英文禪修班。我的第一堂課，師父已經講到四聖諦了。在聽開示時，可以感受到心中有一盞燈被點亮了。忽然間，這一生當中的許多疑問、困惑，全部都得到了解答。

參加前兩期禪修班，我沒有缺過一堂課，然後開始發心當義工。慢慢地，師父給我一些功課要我帶回家發心翻譯成英文。每次回到家要翻譯時，都覺得非常痛苦。把翻譯的作業交了之後，師父也沒說什麼，只是另外拿一張從美國精舍寄來的同一篇文章，提供給我作參考、比較。啊！原來師父是在教我！

接著，師父讓我帶回家的功課愈來愈多了，我才知道只上英文禪修班不夠，對佛法的了解很淺顯、很有限。於是決定放下那些恐懼，晚上乖乖到禪寺上中文禪修班。一開始，師父的開示，十句當中幾乎只能聽懂兩句，筆記也沒辦法做。還有另外一個困擾是，晚上我無法集中精神，容易打瞌睡，因此體會到「得覩佛經難、廣學博究難」。

修行雖然是個人的學習，但當義工時，必定要和別人相處、溝通、合作。英文有一句話說：「No man is an island.」意思是說每個人與團體都分不開，但這就會產生很多摩擦。每一次起煩惱，跑去跟師父抱怨，師父們都會勸我要放下我執、不要想太多，要看自己、多反省檢討、多包容。本來的我很內向，現在當義工必須要學會實踐「對人以和」，所以感受到「見好不求難、被辱不瞋難、觸事無心難、除滅我慢難、心行平等難、不說是非難、覩境不動難」。

經過了十四年，為什麼我還在海天禪寺薰修呢？因為我已經找到了真正的寶藏；找到了真正寶藏，就不會放棄！

我們實在太有福報，能有一個這麼殊勝的海天禪寺，讓我們淨心、定心、明心，讓我們學習佛法的智慧。很感恩中台禪寺開山祖師惟覺安公老和尚，以及每一位清淨優秀的法師，這幾年來對我們的殷殷教導；您們是我的大善知識。就是因為「會善知識難」，所以我發願生生世世護持三寶，永不退轉！